hi flist!

it's been a while.

updates;

1. i didn't quite get into carolina. they put me on final standby. dear carolina: fuq u, i'm goin to app.
2. trying to take more photos. i've gotten in the habit of walking - except not today, it's nasty and rainy.
3. mm, scott.
4. OH GOD CONFLICTING EMOTIONS.

so uhm, i don't update this thing as much as i should anymore. because i update a lot of other things instead.

so look for me on twitter: /misshelena
or deviantart: tomorrowssound
and i just started a tumblr: crookedsmiles

so look for me there, too. you'll find much more consistent updating.

i can feel myself slowly getting sicker... and sicker... and sicker.

earlier today it was the coughing. now it's the chills. later i'm sure i'll be flushed and warm yet shaking uncontrollably.

fuck getting sick ahhhh.

i really really like scott. i kinda want to date him like a lot. also prom.

theme this year is masquerade and they've decided to let us have masks. awesome. i'm going to be looking for a jewel toned dress then match a mask with it. mmm.

FUCKING COLD

um, can i rant a bit?

just a bit?

k.

thanks.

i should probably do this on a dA journal because that's what it relates to but i don't update that journal, so whatever.

in about july, i decided to make a header banner for this very lj: HERE. it is a photomanipulation, i wanted to do something kind of "dark" just for the hell of it. it's a redo of a manipulation i did a year or so ago, and i'm pretty happy with the way it turned out, since i have practically no experience with photomanip and it was just for my own personal use.

apparently, the rest of deviantart loves it to, since i now have 127 favorites on it. i got something like 80 within the first week it was up, or something. i don't remember exactly.

i shouldn't be complaining that i made something popular, i guess. but holy christ.

it's a fucking LJ HEADER.

I DON'T REALLY CARE TOO HARD ABOUT IT.

i put it up on dA because it did take a little effort and i do like how it came out. but this is ridiculous.

there are many other pieces i worked equally hard on; i am far, far more proud of some of my photography and all of my writing than i am of some brushed-over and overused stock image. my writing is ME, it is personal. i would much rather get attention for how i write than how i use photoshop on some photograph someone else took. not to mention, people don't even look at the rest of my shit; they just see the piece on someone else's favorites list, add it to their own, and be on their merry way. which is fine, but.

is that selfish? i mean, i'll admit i haven't been very active on dA. i should be happy to be recognized for something; but that stock has been used a thousand times and plenty of them in the same capacity that i used it in. i'm not proud of it because it's original. because it's not. i'm proud of 'mechanics' because it's rare that i write and to be frank, i really doubt there's too many poems using a newton's cradle as an extended metaphor. i'm proud of 'windows' because it was a fluke shot of my friend's cat that turned out to be totally perfect. i'm proud of 'any kind of truth' because the image's message means a lot to me. i'm proud of everything, even the photomanip, it's just that that one piece isn't all me. it's an arrangement of resources. out of everything that is mine, it is the least me.

so is that selfish? to want to be recognized for something close to my heart, as opposed to something that i am emotionally neutral towards? or am i asking for too much here?

I got waitlisted for Chapel Hill.

shit, yo.

just shit.

they want to see my grades for the first semester which was totally gonna suck until i actually got my grades (two a's and two b's). i have a chance. not a very good one [apparently only 18% of deferred applications get accepted in the end] but dammit i'll give them what i've got and if it's not good enough.. well, damn, you know, it's out of my hands now. i can't do anything but wait and hope, and maybe the chapel hill gods will bless me. yeah, i just said that. DON'T. JUDGE ME.

i'm starting to like my physics class. it's fucking basic math so far and taylor's kindly offered his help for when i don't know what the hell is going on. which is much, much preferred to my other option of calling my teacher; he's given everyone his phone number for that express purpose... i don't want to call him. he scares me. he's a cool guy so far, and i was totally ready to get into a religion v science debate during class today, but he's still a strange, bothersome little man.

been texting back and forth with some guy from the other side of asheville i met on the washington trip. *shrug* he likes me, i have... a mild interest in him [which taylor kindly called me a slut for having; i don't know if that's jealousy, taylor-brand posessiveness, bitterness, or trying to get under my skin - well. i mean, i know it's the last one for sure but whatever] but i don't know. i'd have to hang out with him to decide because honestly, people who ask about your day over text and then offer nothing in return piss me off.

like, seriously, does that annoy anyone else?

"what's up?"

"nothing much, i just got done with my psychology class. you?"

"nm lol im just bored so i thought id text you"

APPARENTLY.

PLEASE OFFER MORE INFORMATION OR I'M GOING TO GET REALLY FRUSTRATED WITH YOU. ASDFJKL;.


UGH, PEOPLE.

on a happier note:

go wish newark a  happy birthday for tomorrow (the 28th.) do it or i'll kill you

new header. i have been so obsessed with the killers lately it hurts. smile like you mean it is a fantastic song. and the new album is pretty gold all around.

got back from washington late wednesday night. dear god. it was so cold. i sort of wanted to die. it was a fun trip though, and i survived 1.9 million people i have fundamental disagreements with by way of keeping my mouth shut, so it was all good. photos are on my facebook and goddamn i don't feel like posting them over and over again so if you don't have my facebook, too bad.

new semester. my psychology class seems like it's going to be really awesome. i love my teacher to death. and i asked for the book before i left for washington so i could catch up, but due to snow days or something i ended up being there for the first day of the semester. so i'm actually ahead. that never happens.

my physics teacher is going to drive me nuts though. he's gayer than a fucking rainbow unicorn and makes no attempt to hide the fact, either. he literally has a folder full of copies of the clay aiken people magazine and various lbgt quarterlies. look, i don't let everyone know what i do in bed; and as my teacher i don't want to know what you do in bed either, so shut up. although i have to admit, the fact that he would hit on taylor always cracked me up. he's an alright teacher, i guess, except i'm fucking retarded at math and whatever video we watched yesterday about various discoveries in physics totally made my brain melt, so it's going to be a rough time.

i need a car because i want to go around doing ~interesting things~ dammit.

and i have a bunch of photos i want to upload to abandonedplaces but goddamn i am too lazy to resize them all right now so what the fuck ever.

and i don't want to sound selfish, but i want him back; would give anything for another shot. i miss him; he's somewhere else in the country and it's almost more torturous this way. like hugging him as my best friend will help the pain of missing him as mine.

i think i'm okay, then i look around and i start crying again; unfortunate side effects when you and someone else share so many jokes and such.

i've been told not to give up hope, that maybe something will change; but too much hope is bad, people are unpredictable, and you can't make someone love you.

i wish i could try though.

this is why i don't skip government more often than i do:

Elle: "Why don't you go look it up on Urban Dictionary?"

Josh: "Oh my GOSH! I LOVE LOVE LOVE Urban Dictionary. You learn so many interesting things on there."

Me: "Oh god."

Josh: "Like, like like like like..."

"..."

Josh: "Like, I learned this the other day! And I need help, because I don't know which definition is right. There were two, and I can't figure it out."

"......"

Josh: "Does anyone know what snowballing is?"

"OH GOD."

Josh: "Oh, do you? Because I read that it was either, a guy comes in a girl's mouth and then she makes out with him..."

Nick: "Oh my god."

Josh: "OR it's four guys and four girls, the first guy comes in the first girl's mouth, and she passes the load onto the second girl, then the second guy comes in the second girl's mouth, and she passes THAT load into the third girl's mouth, and so on."

"......."

Josh: "So can anyone tell me which one it is?"

TAYLOR IS A BAD BOYFRIEND AND HE MADE ME GET A TWITTER
I FEEL LONELY WITHOUT PEOPLE CREEPILY FOLLOWING MY EVERY WHIM AND DESIRE SO YOU SHOULD ADD ME

http://twitter.com/misshelena

gogogo

i should really get to cracking on my senior project presentation. and portfolio.

i don't feel good though. i've been pretty sketchy all week. wasn't in school wednesday - vomiting. it was nice not to be in school, though. i'm afraid of falling into that routine of just blowing off school shit because i don't feel like it. fuck that, i have fallen into that routine.

whatever.

going to greensboro. back onnnnnnnnnnn saturday.

went to the radio station for the last time. woo. taylor picked me up; went back to his house where i fell asleep on the bed for two hours while he and scott tried to set up a diablo 2 LAN. i guess. i don't know - i was asleep.

life.